Back and overly-emotional

So, I am officially done with my first semester of my sophomore year at university. I'd say that the past few months were stressless, relaxing and I was emotionally stable, but I'd be lying. Horribly.

I think that in that fraction of life, I've experienced a lot more than I ever did in my entire life. It's been hard, no doubt.
From familial, to school, to non-existent love life problems, I've seen it all.
I've even stopped writing.


But now, now that it's over, I want to regain control over my life and mostly my emotions. I feel as if I've been an emotional wreckage, not that I wasn't before. It's just that the stress of university, the "me thinking I was in love," and the turmoil of it l just exacerbated everything.

There's this quote by Steve Maraboli that will forever resonate with me. It says "As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I though I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."

That's the kind of mindset I, from now onwards, will live by.
No fear.
No regrets.

Wise words of Youmna

To succeed is to have the courage to admit that we're not perfect, to deeply desire becoming better, to realize the richness of being alone.

Humans suck.

As mammals, we have the natural instinct and biological need to mate. To "love."
I don't think falling in love is a magically glorious moment in which you meet your "soulmate."
It's merely a matter of survival and picking the right berry for the juice.
We choose the strongest mate (could either be in the physical or intellectual sense) to have the higher probability of producing offspring, who have a better chance of survival. Seems crucial in a predator-centric world.
No matter what we do, that includes desperately trying to elevate our animalistic nature by calling mating "making love," our instincts are embedded in our nature whether we like it our not.
And that applies for other things.
"War on Terror."
"Religious cleansing."
 Putting a fancy word on something doesn't make it less barbarous.

Aftermath of "Summer Vacationing"

I don't know what is going on. I feel drowsy, bored and unmotivated from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. It can't be desperation because it is causing desperation. It doesn't make sense that something causes itself. Or does it?
It'll be a daunting vicious cycle that I can't break out of then.
All I know is that it's making me quite unhappy, the fact that I am unproductive and lazy. I don't feel tired half the time, yet I always manage to find a way to place myself in my bed and on my laptop, surrounded by chocolate wrappers, chips bags and guilt.
At brief moments where I say "ok, this is it! I will get up and do something," I soon find myself occupied with something else. It's quite disappointing. I feel like I am constantly disappointing myself. What's worse is that I am disappointing others, too. Yay me.
I have to admit that I thought this was a normal thing at first. But then I realized that I am becoming short-tempered and impatient with others. I fucked up my sleeping patterns, which meant that I only saw my family members if I was awake when they were, which was like, never.
Normal, some might think. I vouch to disagree.
Everything is normal until you start to feel bad about yourself.
The thing that's making me so upset about it is that I look back at the person I was a year ago, back in high-school, and I think what in the fucking hell happened? When did I become so lazy that I can't even draft a CV? When did I resent my extended family to the point where I'd cuss them out in front of them. Oh wait. I did used to do that.
That's not the point.
The point is, I need to throw all this negativity away or else it will become too overwhelming at some point that I won't be able to deal with it.
 I need to change. Right now.
Here's to change!

Untitled.

I always knew writing was the best and, sometimes, the only way that I can almost perfectly express my feelings. Right now I feel like my world has crumbled up and evaporated into nothingness. But no, not really... Nothingness would be slightly more merciful.
Everything's going wrong. I think that at this point no one could make me feel any better.
I just want to lay on my bed, cover my head with my blanket and speak to no one for the rest of what's left of my life.
Crap.
Life's a big shithole at the moment.
Allhamdulilah.

Hey summer 2013.

Hello summer 2013 and goodbye Freshman year!
I cannot articulate how horribly fast this last year has gone. It makes me think of how short the time that I'll spend in college is. In the blink of an eye, I'll be graduating and out to discover the "real world." I am incapable of coping with the thought. It terrifies me.
How will I sanely cope with the actual experiences?
Shivers.

Deception

Today, I came to realize that there are people in this world that that live merely to destroy. To destroy people's dreams and any shed of happiness in their lives. I mean, it's not like I didn't know that there are sadistic, mentally-troubled folks out there who find pleasure in doing no good, but I failed to remind myself that these people can be close to me. People I smile at every morning. People I say good night to every evening.
It's not like it hit me in a glorified moment. Not like the epiphanies you see in movies and certainly not as glamorous.  It was more of a shock.
I just can't comprehend why anyone would ever want to destruct something that isn't theirs to destruct to begin with. Do they find it satisfying? How do they sleep at night?

A casual Thursday afternoon rant

You know how some people say that if they had to chance to do everything all over again they wouldn't? I say they're bullshitters.
I, with no hesitation, will lunge at an opportunity to make a few tweaks in my life. I guess you can judge me to be an unhappy person, but no. I am not unhappy. There are certain just aspects and phases of my life that I wish I never went through, and some I wish I did but with a different "me." The "me" that I am today or was 2 weeks ago.
I know it seems like a fairly complex idea. Okay not "seems," it IS a not-so-fairly complex idea, but I can't help but think like that sometimes. I wish I know someone who thinks this way, too. I know there are people who think so too, but they're too afraid to admit the fact that their life isn't perfect.

 

I am sorry, Martians.

This post is an apologetic post.

I am here to apologize to my blog for my lack of care and my absence.

I'd also like to apologize to the mini kangaroo-panda hybrids that read my blog. Residents of Mars, I am sorry for my carelessness. 

Now that summer's approaching, I will hopefully be able to post regularly. 

 

Thought.

Hesitation is not a sign of weakness. It is the indicator of consciousness, a craving for enlightenment and wisdom. Hesitant people get the opportunity to think through things thoroughly, while others lunge to make ill-advised decisions.

Conformity.

Conformity robs you of your character. Devote your life to self-empowerment, as the only person who can define your worth is you.

Untitled.

You know when you try your best to ignore a certain feeling? You push and push and push it away, but at some point it overpowers you and you are no longer capable of pushing. That feeling is vulnerability.

It leaves you exposed, an easy target of mockery. To others, you are an open book, predictable and uninteresting.

The feeling can defeat you when you’re alone or even worse—when others surround you. You try so hard to disguise that feeling. “Remember to smile occasionally, look up. Don’t slouch!”

As soon as you get home, you collapse onto your bed.

You don’t cry. Instead, you stare blankly into the blue patterns of your sheets and ruffle around your cover.

You tell yourself that just because you feel that way, it doesn’t mean that you’re weak. No. It’s more a reassurance that you are not cold and heartless.

No, you’re human and you feel just like everyone else.

One can lift their head up high only for so long. At some moment, your neck will ache and you’ll need to stretch it.

This is me stretching the neck of my life. Soon enough, I’ll be strong enough to lift my head up high again.  

Deforming Souls?

The one human emotion that I think we tend to underestimate is not love, anger or joy.
It is sympathy. Once you sympathize another, they behold a power over you. A power that can make you turn right or left. A power that grips your brain and penetrates it to reach your soul. From that, you are no longer yourself. You become part of a community of feelings. Your sense of selfishness is erased completely. It is then replaced by a romanticized unity.
Those who master inflicting such emotions on others hold control over people's sanity, rationality and life decisions. The sole problem is that if one can evoke such an emotion on another, they grasp a soul they are able to twist, twist and twist..

Beautiful quote.

Favorite 2013 quotes

This quote will forever resonate with me. Makes you think.

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” Gautama Buddha

“Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant with the weak and wrong. Sometime in your life, you will have been all of these.” -Gautama Buddha

And this amazing Seth Godin speech:

“Art isn't only a painting. Art is anything that's creative, passionate, and personal. And great art resonates with the viewer, not only with the creator.

What makes someone an artist? I don't think is has anything to do with a paintbrush. There are painters who follow the numbers, or paint billboards, or work in a small village in China, painting reproductions. These folks, while swell people, aren't artists. On the other hand, Charlie Chaplin was an artist, beyond a doubt. So is Jonathan Ive, who designed the iPod. You can be an artists who works with oil paints or marble, sure. But there are artists who work with numbers, business models, and customer conversations. Art is about intent and communication, not substances.

An artists is someone who uses bravery, insight, creativity, and boldness to challenge the status quo. And an artists takes it personally.

That's why Bob Dylan is an artist, but an anonymous corporate hack who dreams up Pop 40 hits on the other side of the glass is merely a marketer. That's why Tony Hsieh, founder of Zappos, is an artists, while a boiler room of telemarketers is simply a scam.

Tom Peters, corporate gadfly and writer, is an artists, even though his readers are businesspeople. He's an artists because he takes a stand, he takes the work personally, and he doesn't care if someone disagrees. His art is part of him, and he feels compelled to share it with you because it's important, not because he expects you to pay him for it.
Art is a personal gift that changes the recipient. The medium doesn't matter. The intent does.
Art is a personal act of courage, something one human does that creates change in another.” -Seth Godin


More Siddhãrtha Gautama:


“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” 

Food for thought.

We regularly create delusions for ourselves because we humans strive for perfection in others more than we do in ourselves. We'd rather believe that everything's rainbows and butterflies, become obsessively delusional, instead of scarring and facing reality. Perfection exists in our mind. Nothing is ideally flawless. It's how we perceive things that determines our definition of perfection. Realistic thinking is a talent, embrace it.

Epiphany.

There's self-consciousness and then there's flat out arrogance. The difference is that the latter comes with irrationality.

untitled

If I had to summarize my life in a shirt, I would have "I am with idiot" written in clear bold letters and multiple arrows pointing at everyone.